# Effective 1:1s — Conversations That Build Trust and Growth

<!-- hint:slides topic="1:1 meeting essentials: purpose, cadence, preparation, agenda structure, and anti-patterns" slides="5" -->

## The Purpose of 1:1s

A one-on-one is **their meeting, not yours**. Its purpose is to give your report space to talk about what matters to them: career growth, blockers, feedback, or just venting. When 1:1s become status reports or your agenda only, trust erodes and the meeting loses value.

**Andy Grove** (High Output Management) argued that a manager's most valuable role is one-on-one time. **Camille Fournier** (The Manager's Path) emphasizes: the report should own the agenda. Your job is to listen, ask questions, and support.

## Cadence: How Often?

| Situation | Cadence | Why |
|-----------|---------|-----|
| New team member | Weekly | They need more guidance and relationship-building |
| Established report | Biweekly | Enough rhythm without overwhelming |
| Senior / highly autonomous | Biweekly or monthly | They self-manage; less frequent is fine |

**Rule of thumb:** Never cancel 1:1s for "no urgent topics." The meeting *is* the relationship.

## Preparation: The Shared Doc

Use a **shared document** (Notion, Google Doc, etc.) that both you and your report can edit. The report adds topics before the meeting; you add yours. This:

- Ensures nothing gets forgotten
- Signals you take the meeting seriously
- Gives you both time to think

**Example doc structure:**

```
## Report's Topics
- Want to discuss promotion timeline
- Feedback on last week's presentation

## Manager's Topics
- Career check-in
- Project X handoff

## Notes (post-meeting)
- Agreed to revisit promotion in 6 months with stretch goals
```

## Agenda Structure

```mermaid
flowchart TD
    A[Start: Rapport check-in] --> B[Report's topics first]
    B --> C[Manager's topics]
    C --> D[Career / growth discussion]
    D --> E[Action items + next 1:1 date]
    E --> F[End]

    style B fill:#3fb950
    style C fill:#58a6ff
```

**Order matters:** Report's topics first. Their concerns, blockers, and ideas set the tone. Your topics (feedback, announcements) come second. Career and growth get dedicated time—don't rush them.

## Types of Conversations

| Type | What It Looks Like | Your Role |
|------|-------------------|-----------|
| **Career growth** | Goals, promotion, skills, stretch assignments | Ask questions; sponsor and advocate |
| **Feedback** | Delivering or receiving feedback (use SBI) | Be specific; ask what support they need |
| **Blockers** | Technical, interpersonal, or process | Help remove; don't solve for them |
| **Coaching** | They're stuck; you help them think | Questions > answers; Socratic method |
| **Venting** | Frustration, stress, team dynamics | Listen; don't fix; validate feelings |

**Example — Coaching vs Fixing:** They say "I'm stuck on the API design." Instead of "Here's how I'd do it," try: "What have you tried? What's blocking you? What would success look like?"

## Asking Good Questions

- **Open-ended:** "What's on your mind?" "What would make this week a success?"
- **Follow-up:** "Tell me more." "What happened next?" "How did that feel?"
- **Silence:** After asking, *wait*. Give them 3–5 seconds. They'll often fill it with the real answer.

**Lara Hogan** recommends: "What's the best use of our time today?" as an opener—lets them steer.

## Managing Up: 1:1s With Your Manager

Your 1:1s with your manager are also *your* meeting. Prepare topics: wins to share, decisions you need, blockers, career asks. Don't show up empty-handed. Your manager benefits from your clarity.

## Skip-Level 1:1s

When you're a skip-level (manager of managers), periodic 1:1s with your reports' reports build trust and surface issues. Keep them lighter and less frequent (e.g., quarterly). Don't undermine your managers—frame it as "I want to hear from you directly."

## Common Anti-Patterns

| Anti-Pattern | Better Practice |
|-------------|-----------------|
| Status updates only | Use standups for status; 1:1s for growth, feedback, blockers |
| Cancelling frequently | 1:1s are sacrosanct; reschedule, don't cancel |
| Only when things go wrong | Regular cadence builds trust; crisis-only = anxiety |
| Manager does all the talking | Report's topics first; 70% them, 30% you |
| No preparation | Shared doc; both add topics before meeting |
| Rushing through | Block 30–60 min; don't squeeze between back-to-backs |

## 1:1 Meeting Flow

```mermaid
flowchart LR
    subgraph Prep["Before"]
        P1[Report adds topics]
        P2[Manager adds topics]
    end

    subgraph Meeting["During"]
        M1[Rapport — 2 min]
        M2[Report's topics — 15 min]
        M3[Manager's topics — 10 min]
        M4[Career / growth — 8 min]
        M5[Action items — 5 min]
    end

    subgraph After["After"]
        A1[Update shared doc]
        A2[Schedule next 1:1]
    end

    P1 --> M1
    P2 --> M1
    M5 --> A1
    A1 --> A2
```

## Quick Tips

1. **Same time, same day** — Predictability helps both of you protect the slot.
2. **Camera on (remote)** — Builds connection; treat it like an in-person conversation.
3. **Take notes** — In the shared doc; you'll forget commitments otherwise.
4. **Follow up** — If you said you'd do something, do it. Trust compounds.
5. **Adjust over time** — As the relationship matures, adapt cadence and structure.